You Are Not an Imposter
Two topics that have been near and dear to my heart for quite some time are the concepts of authenticity and being good enough.
For a long time, I didn’t think they were related, but particularly since becoming a parent, I’ve realized that my struggle with not feeling good enough often popped up when I was feeling watched or judged. Sometimes it would be when I was sensing that judgment from another person, but often times it was when I was judging myself. As I [slowly] navigated the [sometimes treacherous] waters of parenthood, I started to feel more confident in my own authentic style of parenting — but that was only once I allowed myself to recognize that being good enough was enough to make me not an imposter.
Of course, I could always theoretically be a better mother, but I am the only mother who has ever mothered this particular child — and that makes me the expert in the field of mothering this child!
People in our society tend to have very strong, hardline opinions regarding birth and parenting and there never seems to be a shortage of people telling you you’re doing something wrong. You know yourself, your body, and your child better than anybody else, which is one of the reasons I’m a big believer of forging your own trail. There will be twists and turns, and you will make mistakes. But sometimes, especially in hindsight, that’s part of the fun!
Being good enough is enough.
One of the most lovely, authentic people I’ve gotten to know here in Walla Walla is Courtney Morgan, owner of Revolver Yoga Studio. Classes at her studio have kept me on track when I’m veering off my trail and finding it difficult to stay true to myself…or sometimes finding it difficult to merely stay sane! I was thrilled to come across her most recent blog post: You Are Not An Imposter. Her words resonated with me mightily, and I have a feeling they’ll resonate with you, too. Enjoy!
One of the greatest gifts I have been steadily learning to give to myself is a deeply felt, wholehearted acceptance of who I am. This is something I’ve struggled with a lot throughout my life, but with more presence and mindfulness I am able to catch myself in moments of doubt and insecurity – to see the times when I am reacting (or often overreacting) to something and to not let that determine the outcome of my experience.
I finally broke on a beach in Mexico a few months ago. My own self-imposed pressure of perfection, constant growth, and trying to present as my own idealized version of a YOGA TEACHER became too much. I often joke about being a terrible example of a yogi, a business owner, and a human – doing things a little on the fringe, occasionally drinking one too many margaritas, my sailer’s mouth, and personal beliefs all made me feel fairly inadequate as a pillar of all that is yoga. It felt as though the harder I tried to suppress my personality, the more often it would squish out at the most inappropriate times.
When I would teach, that little, devastating voice in my head would scream “IMPOSTER! You don’t know what you’re talking about! You’re so unqualified to teach this discipline! You’re a terrible person and you’re talking to people about ‘opening their hearts’?” or, “you’re giving out BEER KOOZIES?” I questioned myself constantly, replaying classes over and over picking apart little slip-ups, and making myself miserable by constantly fearing failure.
One of my favorite stories about Gandhi is that before he went on to lead India to independence and essentially create the standard of non-violent civil disobedience and influence the likes of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. – before he grew into the man who was one of the most fearlessly authentic human beings to grace our planet – he was a poser. A scared, doubtful, faltering, lost soul who tried his hand at being a lawyer – and totally failed.
His first time in a courtroom (after traveling to England to obtain a law degree, after spending his family’s money on an expensive education) – when it was his turn to cross-examine the witness – he was unable to speak. He collapsed into his chair, tongue-tied, and refunded his client the fee. Other accounts have him fleeing the courtroom “in terror”. He became known as the “Briefless Barrister” because he couldn’t get a case.
It wasn’t until his late twenties/early thirties that he began to form into the Gandhi we know today. Before he grew into his bones and his soul, he tried desperately to make conventional life work and was – by all accounts – a complete joke of a man.
People are not just born into greatness.
It doesn’t just happen. Almost everyone you admire was born into adversity, wandered aimlessly, feared what other people thought, felt like a fraud, and walked through their own flavor of hell before understanding Who They Were, before understanding what they were here to do. They tried on convention, they tried on different careers, they tried to be things they were not, and they tried to do things that were wrong. They failed. And they failed a lot.
I am who I am right now. I am a creative, intelligent, highly trained yogi who totally delights in the occasional shockingly inappropriate comment or clothing choice, or timing. I am a person on a path, figuring out how to navigate the genetic lottery I ended up with at this time in history. I sometimes mess up right and left, I forget people’s names (but not often), and I still do some ratty things to entertain myself.
But I’m still me. No amount of tiny infractions or failures can change that.
What sets us apart, what determines our greatness, is never the hand we are dealt.
What sets us apart is what we do with the hand we are dealt, our willingness to do the work, our ability to try and fail and try again, and our determination to keep faith that it is all leading us to where we need to go.
What sets us apart is our complete audacity to remain true to our authentic nature, to remain true to our curiosity and intuition, and to remain true to that which we are.
If you needed a pass to be exactly who you are, here it is. I hope you find the inner peace to be yourself; weird, normal, boring, crazy, or whatever that little voice inside your head tells you you need to fix. Be You. Every day. Always.
“Beautiful people do not just happen.”
— Elizabeth Kubler Ross
